finding my identity to turn in to a YRF Diva bride
Since childhood, we hear all ladies including moms, grannies, aunties, buas, mausis sitting and chatting how they would dress and dance in the marriage of the kids of the house ranging from the eldest to the youngest, no partialities indeed. They discuss the to-be-marriage of their favorite kid as if its gonna happen tomorrow with so much engrossment and curiosity that the child being discussed actually starts visualizing his/her wedding and the kid whose marriage is discussed would be listening to the details mesmerized and fascinated. So the dreams of one getting married one day decked up satiny and lustrous outfits, heavy jewelry, flowered pandaals committed to the most beautiful partner keeps oozing in your mind’s flashback time and again and you start waiting for the day eagerly.
Same happened with me either but with a twist. Everything was perfect among a flaw, the social flaw.
We all have been having long discussions or holding forums on how our society is obsessed with fair color and slim figures but ironically both the things are applicable to the feminine gender. I was all of seven when after being described chubby or cute or baby doll by the society suddenly became the target of humiliation and blunt comments. My only fault was that i was on the heavier side since childhood and among all the chaos surrounded by my physical appearance, i was unable to find my fault. Those who pretended to love my appearance gave me a jolt (maybe my genes were at fault). I suffered series of trials, misconceptions, tribulations, guilt and a serious inferiority complex.
Though being good at studies and other activities and having fair color, i was subjected to mental and physical traumas for just being fat. I was wounded not just by far off relatives but siblings, friends, peers, acquaintances. As the days progressed, even my grandmother would comment me sometimes that nobody would marry me to instructing my mother to feed me less. My classmates would never let me join their group or even if i did, they made fun of me which penetrated to my core. When i entered my teenage, i kept waiting for any date proposal but in vain whereas all girls my age flaunted their arm candies with pride. I was ragged brutally in an all girls college due to my weight structure though i scored 92% in my senior secondary. All my efforts to grab attention or get social acceptance and appreciation went in to dumps. I was getting hurt and emotionally drained. I felt unloved and unwanted all the time. My performances in school was plummeting with no scope to revive. As other average teenage girls who had two passions-food and shopping; i din’t find taste in food nor i was interested in shopping. My mom would cajole me to buy new clothes or new shoes whenever i went out shopping with her but i always refused. Can you imagine, i was worst hit in my heart when someone send marriage proposal to my parents for me. Can you believe i was studying in XI class at that time. Its just because i looked too mature for my age. I was dejected!
I even contemplated suicide for which i literally bought two bottles of tezaab from the local shopkeeper. I was too ashamed to look like a reflection of my mom. Kids would tease me calling “aunty” and i would weep for hours uninterrupted. I would wake amidst mid night to bitter dreams about my weight. My self acceptance and self love reduced to negative. I started stammering while answering back to anyone. Nobody knew having a damaged social image could wreck such havoc in one’s life.
But then my English teacher Mrs. Mattoo entered my life as a blessing and a torchbearer who showed me how a self-belief can make you or break you. She noticed that I was so ashamed of myself that i didn’t want to go to school. I left eating and sleeping properly so my mom got worried. I used to write very suicidal type of notes in my diary which however my mom caught hold of and talked to my teacher regarding same. My English teacher Mrs. Mattoo decided to bail me out of situation. She told me that a person is known from his character and behavior not from his physical beauty, physical beauty can be taken away but the beauty of soul never goes away. She proved the fact once again that only a teacher lays the foundation of professionally responsible, emotionally strong and balanced, intellectually competent, physically sound, vocationally creative, culturally progressive and spiritually high students. Infinite salutes to her!
She not only broadened my visions and my horizons but awakened my sense of belonging to not only my own body and body image but to my own insecurities and inhibitions. She taught me not to only see dreams but how to get them fulfilled. She taught me the moral values and life skills which are necessary to be a good human being for whom caring and sharing must matter. She paved the way for me to see and explore life on it’s own and differentiate between good and bad and to choose what is good for me which ultimately helped me develop my decision making power, my confidence level to fight my inner demons.
This was the starting of my becoming #YRFDreamBride. I fought back society and transformed myself into a diva within one year and all those who always battered me with their comments were praising me like anything and were showering me with praises. The best lesson learnt of my life is that society loves you only when you act as they want you to, which broadened my horizons on what should be acceptable and what should not be! And as a person, one should decide its own limitations and boundaries, no one else.
Needless to say that i became a beautiful bride to a soulful partner who not only loves me unconditionally and selflessly but accepts me for what i am and doesn’t find the urge to change me as per his standard and god blessed me with two adorable kids. This is what life has given me after lots of hardships and struggles but my struggle has been more internal than external. So it was my dream to wear the best for my wedding which i eventually did. I wanna win this beautiful lehenga to be a #YRFdreambride once again as i want to relive my moments of love, romance, blushing and passion once more in my dream lehenga to get praised as the prettiest bride ever like i posed in my childhood as a kashmiri bride. I want to flaunt the beautifully crafted my statuesque traditional attire to the world like a true blue #YRFDreamBride. Moreover, i deserve the exemplary lahenga as i have always set an example to the society with my behavior, character and skills as all #YRFdreambrides because i always acted strong and tough, fought with my inner and outer demons, appeared tough outside though still being soft and beautiful from inside and virtually lived all emotions and situations every Yash raj Films actress goes through from being demure to a Mardaani fighter, though YRF explored how being plump can hamper your life’s progress in Dum Lagake Haisha but i would love to watch a movie on the trials of a woman if she’s bit heavy in contemporary indian society. I would love to give more insights of how i went through all this.
This blog post features my real life story and is also an entry to the YRF dream bride contest on Diva’ni facebook page in association with Yash Raj Films.
Thank you and gratitude for sparing your precious time for reading my blog. Appreciation can sometimes change lives so keep appreciating and loving us.
This post is the writer’s individual possession and is exclusively constructed, written and owned by the owner.