how I almost committed suicide
Some ME-Talk: – Calling me a very simple girl with no hiding tendencies to deceit and with almost nil traces of twisted behavior, i very easily laughed with smile becoming my second nature and got hurt very easily and which means a slightest emotional hurt moved me to eyeful tears by which many people got benefited too. You may blame it on my easy going nature and simplified nature which I am ashamed to admit I earned with loads of internal struggle though my genes gave me some other things than this virtue!!! I believed in being one inside out which simply means what I say is what I mean and have no hidden agenda or secrets inside the veins of my heart. I was a girl of good height among my peer group of tango girls everywhere with a strong build carrying a round white face tucked with two jet black eyes and long eyelashes, with kinda plump cheeks which were an attraction for the uncles of opposite sex to touch them by pulling them as if claiming to shower me with fatherly love but somehow, my sixth or seventh sense always signaled red but I kept shredding it for some or the other reason. Yes! You read it right, being a true blue Cancerian, my senses are highly awakened and catch easily and quickly so never mind my seventh sense! Being happy and keeping happy was the funda of my life and healthy conversations leading me ahead of others. I had strong viewpoints on things and never was ashamed to share with others even if I invited uninvited criticism. My mother would ask me to shut up on many occasions which I forcefully rejected and continued till I point I found inner satisfaction to vomit my viewpoint or driven the listener up to the wall or till my mom dragged me out of the place! Phew! I did what I believed in; no one ever found any discrepancy between what I believed, what I said and what I did. But this society is not polite to people who are true to themselves. We are supposed to wear many masks while roaming here and here according to the situation or as per the society’s demand. We are supposed to be brilliant actors who can don different masks @ different time and change dramatically within fraction of seconds effortlessly and please everyone. I pity those people who say this is my life and I can do whatever I choose to do with my life but the experience of years has made me realize that the body you own is actually a rented apartment where in you keep a mind which speaks as per the society instructs you to even if the heart abuses it continuously but the pressure is enormous and you have to bow! Bow before power, bow before indifference, bow before customs, bow before random forces, YOU have to bow!!!
We all have been having long discussions or holding forums on how our society is obsessed with fair color and slim figures…but ironically…both the things are applicable to the feminine gender…I was all of seven when after being described chubby or cute or baby doll by the society suddenly became the target of humiliation and blunt comments….my only fault was that i was on the heavier side since childhood and among all the chaos surrounded by my physical appearance, i was unable to find my fault…those who pretended to love my appearance gave me a jolt (maybe my genes were at fault). I suffered series of trials, misconceptions, tribulations, guilt and a serious inferiority complex.
Though being good at studies and other activities and having fair color, i was subjected to mental and physical traumas for just being fat. I was wounded not just by far off relatives but siblings, friends, peers, acquaintances…as the days progressed, even my grandmother would comment me sometimes from “nobody would marry me” to instructing my mother “to feed me less”. My classmates would never let me join their group or even if i did, they made fun of me which penetrated to my core. When i entered my teenage, i kept waiting for any date proposal but in vain whereas all girls my age flaunted their arm candies with pride. I was ragged brutally in an all-girls college due to my weight structure though i scored 92% in my senior secondary. All my efforts to grab attention or get social acceptance and appreciation went in to dumps; i was getting hurt and emotionally drained. I felt unloved and unwanted all the time…my performances in college was plummeting with no scope to revive. As other average teenage girls who had two passions-food and shopping; i didn’t find taste in food nor i was interested in shopping. my mom would cajole me to buy new clothes or new shoes whenever i went out shopping with her but i always refused. Can you imagine, i was worst hit in my heart when someone send marriage proposal to my parents for me and can you believe i was studying in XI class at that time just because i looked too mature for my age. I even contemplated suicide for which i literally bought two bottles of “tezaab” from the local shopkeeper. I was too ashamed to look like a reflection of my mom, kids would tease me calling “aunty” and i would weep for hours uninterrupted. I would wake amidst mid night to bitter dreams about my weight. My self-acceptance and self-love reduced to negative. I started stammering while answering back to anyone. Nobody knew having a damaged social image could wreck such havoc in one’s life.
How I Felt:- Feeling of inadequacy and worthlessness has been creeping in slowly and steadily. Emotions were getting darker, thicker and vulnerable. Suffocation of piled up crap was drawing me in to an arena wherein I found myself stranded all alone. The inadequacy of love was now drawing the hell out of me. My sanity was on the verge of bankruptcy where I have done all efforts to retain it with me. The anger and frustration were my constant companions now; it seemed that I have never been alone without them. It seemed the almighty had miserly rationed quota of happiness for me and my part included adjustments only. The more I adjusted, the more I was bullied. Emotional vulnerability became my second skin which got exploited endlessly and mercilessly. It is your internal weakness which never lets to triumph over others; no outer force has the capability to break you unless you surrender which I did. I wish my upbringing have included some self-love and my mother has told me to love myself irrespective of others who may or may not love me but loving me should not be rationed. In our culture, girls are taught to love others at the cost of compromising themselves for they are prepared for marriage ever since they are born. I never learnt the art of loving and winning myself even if others were hell-bent to death me out. I have virtually been dead many times but somehow resurrected just like phoenix but this time I was deadly tired and wanted to sleep forever, blissfully. The worst comes when you could no longer hold the emotions inside but come out through eyes, people call you actor, they say you are acting and trying to emotional blackmail them with tears. All in all, they want you to suffocate ultimately. You should mould emotions and actions as per their pleasures and likings. You die every time; you get humiliated for showing your true emotions, for not being fake, for not being as per their standards. Love always played hide and seek with me with the chase being never ending. The heart was brimming with load of residue. It seemed eternity to being loved and understood.
Suicide is the saturation of internal suffering: – I was on the verge of Suicide but somehow never found the courage to kill myself. Different people react differently to the bottled up vacuum of emotional turbulence, some turn to meditation for they get to know they can’t change people around but need to find peace internally, some run away from their homes but their past never evades them, some kill others in a rage while others who are neither able to do anything out of these kill themselves. For me, it was the Blackout of emotions and future hopelessness. I felt I was living many lives simultaneously. My internal life never felt at ease with my outer life and they never gel along. I have hidden rather forcibly, emotions churning with more crap from the outside world on daily basis made me wonder if love and happiness do exist. Its been ages since I laughed inside out, when my heart sang while my lips curled up in laughter but a fake smile while my heart is hurting badly cursing me superficially. Push and pull in the two warriors of my life infuriated me. I thought- Am I such a loser to not get a single true heart to love? What if I never acted puppet but still felt so. I felt like an animal that’s after his prey but is vain fully tired. Their contradictory voices snatched my inner peace and always diluted my sense with doubt and haziness the monologue in my head was always running and endlessly creating ruckus. My mood swings had been frantic and explosive, rather dismissively abusive for I kept emotions to me for long and when it finally exploded it took universe by storm. I then somehow surrendered myself for I can’t tear myself in to two parts while being in one body. Isn’t it tough man but I have been there and done all that with distinction but my emotions failed with F grade. I also felt like punishing people for my miseries, for committing suicide, but somehow never found the courage to kill myself but crib for being helpless and vulnerable. I saw no light even in broad daylight. I woke up not wanting to wake up. I felt empty inside as I have given all in spreading love but society behaved as if they owned me. The incessant pain ripped me apart and shattered me in to pieces.
The Ray of Hope:- One fine day my English teacher Mrs. Mattoo entered my life as a blessing and a torchbearer who showed me how a self-belief can make you or break you. she noticed that I was so ashamed of myself that i didn’t want to go to school, I left eating and sleeping properly so my mom got worried, I used to write very suicidal type of notes in my diary which however my mom caught hold of and talked to my teacher regarding same. She not only broadened my visions and my horizons but awakened my sense of belonging to not only my own body and body image but to my own insecurities and inhibitions. She taught me not to only see dreams but how to get them fulfilled. She taught me the moral values and life skills which are necessary to be a good human being for whom caring and sharing must matter. She paved the way for me to see and explore life on its own and differentiate between good and bad and to choose what is good for me which ultimately helped me develop my decision making power, my confidence level to fight my inner demons. She encouraged me to write my thoughts when no one is willing to listen that’s how my romance with writing started. She saved me to write this letter of apology to whosoever has ever loved me. I AM SORRY
I am proud to confess that my writing is a gift to me by this atrocious society who doesn’t want to listen when you say but sings you praises when you write. For me, writing has come to me as my expression, my outlet, my source to get going.
Image Courtesy:- Self/Internet
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